Should I Leave My Unhappy Husband Before He Can Leave Me?

I sometimes hear from people who are deeply afraid that their unhappy spouse is going to leave them. Often, he has made comments to that effect and it has just become obvious that he is not invested in the marriage anymore. This is usually sad news to the spouse who still wants to save the marriage. They are not sure what to do. But they often feel as there is something horrible and inevitable approaching in the future. And this sense of dread and fear can make them wonder if they should leave their spouse before he can leave them - as kind of a preemptive strike.

Someone might explain: "for the past three months, my husband has been very honest about the fact that he isn't sure if he wants to be with me anymore. He says he just feels that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer bringing out the best in one another. I agree with the drifting apart stuff, but I do not think that our marriage is dysfunctional in the least. I think we've just hit a patch where we became complacent in our marriage and I believe that it could be fixed. However, my husband is not sure that he agrees. I actually heard him on the phone with his brother and he was saying that he might come to visit. To me, this says that he is thinking about leaving me. I was talking to my own sister about this and she said that in her opinion, my husband has not been happy in a long time. She said that if she were me, she would leave him before he can leave me. She said it would be less painful this way because it would make me feel as if I am in the one with the control and that I am the one who is doing to rejecting. It is hard for me to wrap my head around leaving my husband. This is something that, never in my wildest dreams, would I ever envision. It makes me very sad. Is it a good idea to leave your spouse before he can leave you?"

This is probably a decision best made by you. I can tell you my opinion. But I can't and won't focus on legalities because I'm certainly not a lawyer or legal expert. I'm not a mental health expert either, but I do have opinions based on going through this sort of situation myself.

Make Sure That You Are Not Reacting To Fear Of The Unknown: I believe that many people in this situation react to anxiety and fear. The idea is that you are going to hurt him before he hurts you. This reminds me of an instance when I was flipping around the channels and the "Kelly And Michael Show" was on. They were to interview the president of the United States the next day. They were discussing their nervousness about the interview and Kelly misspoke. She joked that if someone in the White House were watching, they would likely change their minds about the interview and cancel. Then she said to the producer "why don't we break up with them before they can break up with us?"

She was totally joking. It was a statement meant to lighten the load. But I remembered this because it struck a chord with me. I think it's very common in relationships for people to be tempted to bail in order to attempt to save themselves from pain. However, I believe that what they do not consider is that even when you are the one to take control and to take the initiative and leave, it still hurts - quite badly in fact. Essentially, you are still feeling the pain and then you're bringing on the outcome that you admitted from the very start that you did not want to happen. In other words, you took yourself out of the race before you even had the chance to lace up your shoes and run the race.

Now, there are some situations where your spirit is being damaged by staying. Perhaps your spouse is emotionally or physically abusive. This is a very specific situation and my opinions on this would be different. In this case however, the couple had just grown apart. No one was hurting the other. The relationship had just deteriorated. And the wife believed that things could be turned around.

There Is Much That You Can Change On Your Own: In the case of growing apart, it seems to me it would make sense to at least stick it out and try to change things. People often believe that they need their spouse's full cooperation in order to save their marriage. And when they don't get that same cooperation, they assume that their marriage is over and there is nothing that they alone can do to save it. I have found this assumption to be untrue. It's my experience that sometimes, changing your approach and making small changes with your own actions will eventually inspire your spouse to get with the program.

And I think that in many cases, it is worth it to try this. What do you have to lose? He may leave eventually - I suppose. But before he does, maybe you could try to, at least on your end, pay attention to ways that you might bring back the connection. Because at least this strategy gives you a chance. Walking away before he leaves you may well make you feel empowered momentarily. But then you may realize that the price of that empowerment was letting your husband go - which you've already admitted you don't really want.

How Much Should You Tell Your Extended Family About Your Marital Separation?

Some people are lucky enough to become very close to their spouse's family when they get married. Some wives will tell you that they are closer to their mother - in - law than to their own mothers. Or that they feel as if their sister - in - law is closer to them than any real sister could possibly be. That's why a separation can affect your extended family also. And there is sometimes some confusion as to how to explain this or what to disclose.

A wife might explain: "my parents adore my husband. Sometimes, when they call and ask us over, I feel like they want to see my husband instead of me. They are all very close. They think that my husband is a wonderful man. Well, that same man has decided that he wants a separation from their daughter. My husband told me that he isn't sure if he wants to be married and that he needs to move out in order to decide which direction he wants to take. I truly did not see this coming and it's difficult for me to talk about it without crying. In two weeks, my parents are having a birthday party for my aunt. I know that my husband will not attend. I could ask him, but I know that he will have some excuse because he's trying not to spend a lot of time with me right now. But I have no idea what I am supposed to tell my parents about this, particularly my father. I know that they were supposed to go fishing together next month. I am not sure what I should tell my parents about this either. The thing is, I really do not understand my husband's reasoning about this. Part of me is considering telling my parents that my husband had a work obligation and could not make my aunt's party. Then I'd hope that we'd get back together before the fishing trip so that my parents don't need to know anything about our separation. But I don't feel right lying to my parents about it either. Plus, I don't really know how to explain the reasoning behind all of this."

I'm not sure that I would lie to my parents. You're not the one who made this decision, so I don't think that you should be put in a position where you need to lie to cover it up. In my opinion, there are a couple of options. The first would be to ask your husband how he wants to handle this and suggest that since he is the one who initiated the separation and knows his own motivations, it is best that he be the one to tell your parents. He may or may not agree to this. But one reason why people dislike talking about their separations is that they don't really know how to answer all of the questions that follow this disclosure.

The other option is to tell your parents that your husband felt he needed some time apart and then tell them that you really don't know much more than that - since your husband was the one who initiated this. At that point, your parents can direct further questions to your husband, since he is most qualified to answer them.

But lying to your parents or hoping for a reconciliation before you have to tell them is very risky and will likely make you feel worse than you already do. It's not fair for you to have to do this. And, having your parents' support might be helpful right now. The other option is to just not talk about it all and then to be vague if you are asked. Merely saying that your husband "couldn't make it" isn't really lying. You're just being vague because you truly don't know what to say.

If you do chose to tell them about the separation, you don't need to get into the particulars. You can just tell them exactly what's accurate - that your husband felt that you needed some time apart so he's moved out for a while and that you're not exactly sure about his thought process or his timeline, but you're hoping for a quick and meaningful reconciliation. You might want to stress that you hope that they don't feel differently about your husband because of this, since you know that he values his close relationship with them.

To be honest your parents may not react as badly as you fear. Most of our parents have had their own marital issues, although we may not remember them since most of us were children when they happened or our parents chose not to involve us. So, they may have been through this themselves and just want to be a source of support to both of you.

But it's my opinion that lying to them will just create bigger problems. I think it's best to either allow your husband to tell them or to just tell them in very general terms you're on a short break and ask them to support you without getting involved. Your marriage is your own and hopefully, it will be back on track before there needs to be any lengthy conversations about it.